July 23, 2004

Lessons

In the spirit of Dean and Rosemary and The Tweezer's Edge.

Classes given by G-d to children before they are born;

1. Motion detection.
How to detect, despite being sound asleep, that your parents are about to 1)sit down 2) lay you down in the crib.
2. Sleep deprivation.
Your parents don't really want to sleep. How to wake and cry just as they are about to drift off into dreamland.
Extra credit: How to prevent your parents from reading a good book, watching a movie from begining to end, and having the nerve to depose you from your one and only status.
3. Embarassment
Various techniques will be discussed. The stage whisper; how to act as if you don't know everyone can actually hear you. When is the best time and place for a tantrum. Which questions are best asked loudly, in a quiet, public place. How and when to repeat comments your parents have made about their bosses, friends and relatives.
4. Food preferences.
Why it is best to develop a food preference for a product that is difficult to find and nobody else likes, then suddenly dislike it when mom or dad has made purchased four of that product. Extra credit if even the dog turns up his nose at it.
5. Last Minutitis
It is always best to alert your parents to a school/camp need at the very last second possible. Similarly, never leave both your shoes in the same place. Always be certain to misplace the book you need that day. And be certain that the clothes you pick out are 1)missing a button or have a broken zipper 2)have a big ketchup stain on the back. No you don't know how it got there. 3) are inappropriate for the season or the occasion. Remmeber to throw a fit when your parents suggest other clothing.
6. Keep 'em Home
What type of questions to nonchalantly ask your parents as they are headed out the door, alone, for the first time in 6 months.

any other's?

Shabbat Shalom, I'm off to cook, then off to work.


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